I have at least four boxes of journals that I recently moved with me to North Carolina. I have traveled with some of them as long as twenty years. They have gone everywhere with me excepting the year that I was in London- for that adventure they stayed in my mother’s shed.They are heavy and every time that I go to move them I wonder should I just burn them all? I can’t imagine just throwing them away… but what I can picture is a bonfire of sorts with the last twenty some years going up in flames.

So this time was in fact no different… I looked at them and thought… what if… but I moved them and now they are here with me in another house and I am looking at them wondering how long I will continue to cart them around. The flames are enticing.

Every now and then I look through them paging through distant lifetimes and memorabilia and during those times I often have mixed feelings about them. It is lovely to travel down that road… sometimes… but other times it simply drags me down with the weight of it all.

By nature I don’t like getting rid of things. I feel that I will come to regret the decision- so I cling to what I have. On the other hand the last several years have taught me to let go, but the journals are still around. How important is it to collect these memories? My rambling words, letters and cards from people who have come in and out of my life… how important is it to keep them in a tangible, touchable form?

For now, I don’t have an answer… so with all my other baggage I suppose that I will continue to cart them around.

blue shoes make me smile

So on Monday I am beginning the Feel Good Fast and I am getting very excited. It is not a fast- it is a cleansing and a realigning of how you eat and how you live day to day. I have eliminated animal products from my diet before and I slipped back into old habits; I am hoping that this will get me back on track.

This is my first post of the new year and with this I am also hoping to get back to focusing on what is important to me. It seems that I let so much of my time get slurped up by things that I do not actually like. So here is to savoring each beautiful moment. Treading lightly on the ground and taking time to celebrate each precious moment… even when- especially when I am walking towards where I want to be. Remember, I am not there yet and as long as I keep moving forward all is well.

When I was five and in kindergarten I refused to finger paint- I asked the teacher if she had any q-tips… Freak much? Yes, I know- That was me at five… I have been working on correcting that problem…

I used to despise the color pink. I even wrote epic teenage poems to declare my hate of the color, but all that has changed… and quite happily so. It makes me quite giddy now… especially when I can find it existing in the wild…. or on my toes…. now, that is lovely.

I turned 32 while I was completing this journal. On this particular day I wrote- “Being 32 does not mean that I have anything figured out. I am merely more aware of all that I have yet to understand… which is so true really. I haven’t had it all figured out since I was 17- and that is ok- in fact it is good.

This is what I learned from the whole of this project… this and so much more really… but I learned that I need to stop and take time to enjoy my surroundings. There really is no excuse for doing anything other than this.

So this September I learned a lot and I was reminded that I need to pay attention everyday- for the beauty and the wonder and the new is there… but you have to seek it out- you have to acknowledge it and I can not dare afford to let it slip by unnoticed. Thank you Shimelle, as always I have learned something new from you. I look forward to doing that for years to some.

i step up to the morning

as if i were stepping up to the plate, but

i have never been good at sports

been good at some things, but i don’t

quite remember them now

so i step up to the morning- i will begin either way

i will remember i will

and still i will go barefoot

and i will make a space and a time

to howl

at the moon-

for what else is life good for if not for

this

I learned my largest lesson of the week today and that is that I need to play like this (i.e. with paints and brushes and words) everyday. Why do I forget this? Why do I think that I don’t have time for this? This is something I must do. I wrote earlier this week about feeling out of sorts- this puts it into perspective… is it amazing, no- are people rushing to hang it on their walls, no- is that why I do it, no…. PLAY- all the rest is nonsense. Truly.

This week I feel like I am still processing what I learned. I have had so many ups and downs- it was in many ways for me a very hard week and I am still not quite sure why…

So I am ruminating over what I learned this week and frankly it is not all that clear yet. I learned, for one, that I need to take things less seriously. It is very easy for me to wrap myself up in distress over things that are not worth it. I learned that I need to learn to take my own advice- I am much more calm and reasonable when dealing with other people’s issues, but sometimes I let mine seem impossible. I also learned that time outside and time exercising is invaluable and I can’t try to pretend that I don’t have time for it- when in fact- I don’t have time not to do it.

So today we went out for a long walk and we played and we looked at flowers and insects and snakes and such- and I cherished cool breezes and the sweat rolling down my neck… and now this week- I relax. All will amazingly get done- or it won’t and either way it will be ok.

I am participating in Shimelle’s Learn Something New Everyday Class again this year and it has been lovely… Here are some highlights from the week….

September 1st- Sometimes, especially when grades are due I think that I assign too much writing.

September 2nd- If I keep moving-it keeps getting easier…

September 3rd- The things I dread doing are often quite enjoyable… (I dreaded parent- teacher conferences this week- because it is so tiring, but I do like hearing from parents and talking to students one on one…so it turned out to be quite good)

September 4th- It is all a matter of perspective, truly.

September 5th- Flowers, chocolate, and books never cease to make me smile.

All in all a wonderful first week of September. It was a very busy week at school, but I made it through… Yesterday Jon and I went to Tallahassee for the day and had much of the fun. I got a lovely, new, super short hair cut, some birthday books from Jon, and some lovely treats from their small, but lovely downtown market. Then once we got home we had dinner with friends who presented me with lovely birthday treats of flowers, chocolate, and an amazing vegan, hot fudge sauce cake (OH MY GOODNESS- IT WAS WONDERFUL).

So loveliness- I can’t wait to see what next week’s learning will bring.

]]> http://sandslippers.com/?feed=rss2&p=430 1 http://sandslippers.com/?p=428 http://sandslippers.com/?p=428#comments Sun, 30 Aug 2009 01:00:48 +0000 jen http://sandslippers.com/?p=428

I love this picture- I took it last week when I was sitting at the park… at first there were several turtles sitting on the rocks, but slowly they all started to jump back into the rushing water below them. I have felt like those turtles this past week- I was sitting and sunning myself and looking at the rushing water below- wondering can I handle it? Can I handle this rush- or should I just sit here and wait a little while longer? And I have decided that it is time- much like the turtle above to jump on in.

I am looking forward to this fall and September. I turn 32 next month and I am looking forward to that age and what it might bring. I have gotten more comfortable in my skin lately, but more than that I am starting to realize that I can push myself a bit more then I have been. I am capable of more- I am not fragile- I can do whatever  I set my mind to… now I must simply set my to it.

I will start that this September in many ways, but one will be to participate in Shimelle’s Learn Something New Everyday. This will be a good month for me to stop and document what I learn through this process of pushing myself a bit more… and to remember that everyday I learn something and everyday I make progress- even when it feels like I am inching ever so slowly on land- even when it feels like I am being tossed about in a wild rush of current.